The Call About You

On Thursday April 30th, 2014 I pulled out two magazines from Good Housekeeping the November and December issues that I had kept meaning to read get the recipes from. I thought that day was just going to be a boring lunch I had thrown a bunch of stuff together to eat.  When I went to my desk to grab something I heard my coworker say on the phone "no she's at lunch." When she hung up she said to me you better check your phone sounds personal. I go to get my cell phone and see 897 knowing that is the state. So when I answer and hear our caseworker. "I've got a possible placement. She's a few months." When she was finished informing me I remember saying "ok" she laughed "call your husband and then call me back." I said "no I wasn't saying okay as in okay yes I was saying okay as in I was taking it all in." No matter how many times you are called it's always that rush that feeling like this maybe it this is what you have prepared for what you have been hoping to happen possible situations that will complete your forever family. No telling no fast forwarding no knowing for sure that this will work out. I try to remember what we were told in class I try to remember advice given and I try to be realistic. We got a call once before we said yes but the situation changed. That happens. It prepares you and makes you think about what you should have on hand or what resources you can call upon. What you may need to improve on. I call the hubby and I get voice-mail where is he? where could he be? this is important. I continue to call until finally we connect. "i got a call of a possible situation..." then I fill him in and at the end ask "what do you think?" We agree Yes. I call the caseworker back and she says she will call with more information later.

Wanted

Okay so this hour maybe isn't the best time to start but I had to bring this song to attention. Wanted

This isn't a song you would think would think about adoption or a child. I know it's meant to be more of a relationship song. I hear it and the words get me. 

You know I'd fall apart without you
I don't know how you do what you do
'Cause everything that don't make sense about me
Makes sense when I'm with you

Like everything that's green, girl, I need you
But it's more than one and one makes two
Put aside the math and the logic of it
You gotta know you're wanted too

'Cause I wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
And never let you forget it
Yeah, I, I wanna make you feel wanted

Anyone can tell you you're pretty, yeah
And you get that all the time, I know you do
But your beauty's deeper than the make-up
And I wanna show you what I see tonight...

When I wrap you up
When I kiss your lips.
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
And never let you forget it
'Cause, baby, I, I wanna make you feel wanted

As good as you make me feel
I wanna make you feel better
Better than your fairy tales
Better than your best dreams
You're more than everything I need
You're all I ever wanted
All I ever wanted

And I just wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
And never let you forget it
Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted
Baby, I wanna make you feel wanted

You'll always be wanted

All I ever wanted - To the future child who is reading this. You will have moments on this earth where you may doubt if you were wanted or wished for. You have to know you were more than you will ever know. We have moved heaven and earth to get to you and will continue to do that for you. For some reason even tonight now isn't the time for us to be together. Some plan is in motion and sometime hopefully soon we will be together. Maybe even tonight you may be wondering about us as we are wondering about you. We are here just waiting for our missing piece. 

Only Human

So today the call that would never come came a baby more details to follow. But the happy shock was short lived with another call and the baby is being cared for by a relative. *sigh* Like someone pops your happiness balloon. I hope like all the other calls that the baby is safe and doing well. I am emotionally exhausted.

I don't know if you were the one and in some time we will get the call again about you. I don't know if you aren't meant to be. Instead, this was to fall apart because it wasn't right. I have not a clue how or where we go from here. Situations are going to come up more calls in.

Years before we put in an offer on a condo a place I thought was our home. Something after the offer was put in didn't set right. Everyone told me about a deal they had fell through. I pushed it aside but as it turns out the condo fell through. I was feeling defeated frustrated and didn't want to continue. We did and when we scheduled two homes I tried to be positive. We went to the first house we struck out it wasn't what we thought. Then we showed up to the gray house with red shudders. Which we now call home. Not a day goes by that I don't love this house.  A house isn't a child.

I wish I knew. I wish I could say for certain, but I don't know. Part of me wants to give up but that I'm sure is part of the grieving process for the loss of this placement. Nothing is ever for sure or guaranteed. We may have had that baby or days weeks or years and then have to surrender when a family member showed up. What has to be done has to be done in the best interest of the child/children. One day that best interest will be to be placed with us.

So this song comes to mind because it's perfect. Only Human.
Years from now this will be a memory. I hope that this memory will be replaced with happiness of reading it with our meant to be child/children. That dream of a sibling group of 5. I would totally take that now.

 

Life

This wasn't the way any of this was supposed to go, but welcome to life. We make plans and think life will go one way and then it goes somewhere else.

Two things that were supposed to take forever years possibly both having to do with work. Are BOTH happening now in a matter of weeks and sadly neither has anything to do with adoption. Everyone said "oh you will have a placement or more by the time either of these happen...." Yeah no......

One day adoption will take flight it's just not today. It's not our time I suppose. When is our time huh?

I so need the meeting this week. My hope take is running on empty.

Home

I also heard this song from Walmart to home.

Here is the other song I was talking about 

Rainbow

Time to get ready for some much needed zzzzz's. Before that happens let me tell me you about my drive home. I decided to hit up Walmart because I had to get a few things, and I could get them all there. So I took away I never take home. As I'm heading there I hear the song "I won't give up" by Jason Mraz. I think "yeah just last night I was having an awful time and almost tears this song is perfect because we aren't giving up..." So as that song is playing I stop at a red light look up there it is a beautiful rainbow. If nothing else it was gorgeous to look at and i'm just sorry that I couldn't get a picture. I at least have the picture in my mind.

Snow is on the ground it's cold and icy conditions but what a beautiful Rainbow my dears.

Waiting..........

The wait which is often referred to a lot in the adoption process sucks. Some days I handle it well with my emotions in check. Some days I want to cry and some days I'm just angry negative at anything. I think it's normal to have that happen. I get asked a lot of questions, and I think some have stopped asking because they maybe have given up or are tired of getting the same response. "No." "Nothing." "No change."

As I've said now that I would say a million times I wish that I had even a time line. That isn't how this works. I train the people at work to help my department in the event I go out on leave. I use to be positive about that outcome but now I'm just "yeah if that happens who knows it may it may not..."

I don't mean this isn't ever going to happen. It's more of could happen weeks months or years or it could happen in days. I doubt highly doubt the days more like months to years.

Oh wait how I dislike it.

So many things to blog about and so little time

I left work went food/vitamin shopping and got home. Followed by watching the ladies short program. That was a few hours but so great. Only happens once every 4 years. Loving it! Gives me something to look forward to considering right now is a weird time.

For at least the 3rd time I have inquired about the same boy as I have in the past. This time I was given contact information that isn't accurate. I get a different answer depending upon who I talk to. Let me say first off that some great people are doing awesome things and working magic with what little they have to do it with. Sometimes you will encounter people who you know are doing this all for the children. Sometimes you will encounter people who just leave you puzzled as to why they are doing this at all. I get that everyone is over worked and that this is a process. I'm the process at work queen or trying to tell everyone it just doesn't happen over night. This time last year we were in class, and matching events were already planned. I keep getting the run around from different people who exactly I get that info from. This person you contact them they say that person. It's a circle that leaves you frustrated.

I left working thinking I know at some point this will all make sense. One day I will leave work to get my child(children) from daycare or after care or where ever and encounter all that fun. I know that is in my future. I just really wish I knew it was the near or distant.

Most days I wake up and go through the day positive and hopeful. Some days I start thinking this will just never happen. When I hit the road block with those that I feel shouldn't be in the field they are in I am more frustrated and my hope tank drains. I know it's time to go to sleep re charge and push forward. Nothing comes easy and because a conversation doesn't go the way you planned or hoped doesn't mean all those conversations will go that way. We all have bad days and don't mean to take it out on people but sometimes we end up doing just that.

Welcome to rambled non sense talk with so much in my head that I start thinking at this hour when I really should be sleeping.

Okay time to head to bed and get ready for the day ahead.

Say something I'm giving up on you

This doesn't exactly have to directly do with adoption, but it does have to do with a life lesson in a way. In September when a co-worker unexpectedly passed away the counselor said that if we wanted to write a goodbye letter that was only between here and I would be a good idea. I remember at the funeral in the church with all that was witnessed tears flowing at that moment suddenly all the silly little things of you didn't do this or that person didn't do that didn't matter.  In the next few months a person well a friend who used to be a really best friend will be getting married. It's great, and the guy is a sweetheart, and they will i'm sure be very happy together. I doubt that I will be in attendance. I know what you are thinking. Wait i'm confused that goes against what you just said. I know but let me explain.

This friend I have known since Kindergarten and we weren't always close that happens. It's life. Tonight here I am declaring that I'm letting go of all those negative anger upset disappointment feelings and expectations that I had for you and our friendship. You are officially free I promise. I will no longer expect anything from you and understand that I don't think at this time there is a place for me in your life. Let's go back for a bit to when I got married. I asked you to be my maid of honor and well I think I put to much expectations on you then. Think back do you remember all the times I asked for your help and asked you to be there for me and you couldn't didn't have the time. Please don't think this is to bash you or make you feel guilty it's not that. Did you ever end up planning a shower at anytime or did you make it to my Surprise 30th/Shower that was planned for me years later? No. You said you were working but forgot that when you logged into facebook that night it said you were home and not at work. The time after the wedding I tried to  keep our friendship going but always felt a pull from you. One night you rushed out of my apartment because you said you were tired. You ended up at Applebee's with friends. I wouldn't have cared but why the lie? When I tried to keep our friendship going I felt that constant resistance and that feeling that I no longer was a friend. At one time we talked everyday some days about important things and some days about nothing. I didn't think that would ever change, and I always thought when we hit these milestones we would still be close. I watched as you were in other Weddings and baby showers and did so much for those people that I often wondered what I did that I couldn't get the same treatment. Leading me to just stop trying. At one time I blocked your posts from my wall because I was so tired of seeing it rubbed in my face. You always said that our friendship was worth fighting for yet I have never seen much of a fight from your side. When was the last time you asked me for lunch movie hang out etc..... Friendship doesn't work one sided. So I stopped calling asking for lunch dates. It doesn't mean that I stopped caring. Do you know anything of my struggle with infertility and starting a family? Do you know of the surgeries, doctors, specialists, insurance fights, money, time, heart break, tears, and so on? I don't think anyone knows it all, but you get what I mean. The many years of struggles watching others having their first, second, and sometimes even third child. Something that a woman is born to do and yet no matter what we tried it wasn't happening.  I hope you don't have to experience an ounce of that when you want to start your family. I know I am jumping around a bit.

I remember getting your invite to your grad party that is when things were weird yet I still went. Fast forward a bit to when you got engaged. Do you remember when I got engaged? I told you in person. So I expected something anything more then a post on facebook. I realize that I should stop expecting. When all of these events build up out pours hurt sometimes words we don't always mean, but are so hurt upset and frustrated it spits out. At one point I wanted to tell you to not even bother sending me an invite to the wedding. I realize that after all these years and after everything I'm hurt. It's taught me that I need to address things as they happen because storing them up does no good. I knew your shower invite was coming I knew that I was not included in any aspect of your wedding planning period end of story. So when I got the invite I shouldn't have had any emotion right? Wrong I was very upset the flood of hurt anger and everything just over flowed. Pieces of me have thought about reaching out to you, but I wouldn't now knowing that wedding planning and prepping is a very stressful time. I wouldn't say that about not inviting me because I know I don't mean it. I would hope that you could place yourself in my shoes and understand where I'm coming from.

When I asked you to be a reference in our adoption forms part of me was hoping that would involve you and maybe open the door. That didn't happen. Again another form of assuming expecting. You never seemed interested and never asked about anything. I would love for you to be a part of my future and future family. But that's just hoping and wishing.

This whole thing is a mish mosh mash of things events feelings emotions expectations things that in order to focus on the future one needs to let go of the past. That won't happen over night, but any expectations about you or our friendship i'm letting go of.

You may never see this or fully understand my decision to not be apart of your day. Maybe the future holds a new chance for us with new opportunities and maybe we are just to leave our friendship in the past.

Again I hope that if you are seeing this you don't think that i'm trying to take a dig at you or make you feel guilty i'm just expressing my feelings so I can let it be for once and for all.

Chances & What if - Five For Fighting

Both of these songs are so good. Might think they are similar maybe they are. The second song for "what if." What if I were you....what if I cried with your eyes...what if. Empathy and switching places.

I had to hear broken road by rascal flatt tonight twice. I don't know why tonight but just needed to hear it.

It's super cold this week here makes you slightly miss the heat. I said slightly. My car was having issues going, and it's right now at the place for an oil change. Oh my exciting life.Yes the bitter cold  sucks. I will say that I am happy that it's not so dark when I get out of work. It maybe 30 minutes of daylight but it's 30 more minutes than I had a month ago. It's the little things.

Chubby Checker - Changes

So I have the lap top on a radio station i'm doing odds and ends cleaning of certain areas. Those areas where you look at them and say if I have a moment that is getting cleaned. Yeah those areas. I hear this song and the lyrics I had to find out who sang it. Love the lyrics. I run over and discover it's Chubby Checker and the song is Changes. "They'll be some changes in my life..."