That's Not What I want to hear

So......... Let me start by saying this isn't an attack by any means just have to get this out. I don't want people to walk on egg shells around me, but I think this has to be addressed because I need to figure out what the heck to say or do. These situations will happen, and the trick for me will be not to react.

Brother in law was very frustrated with his son and in a moment of anger said along the lines of "that's it putting you up for adoption. I'm giving you up." Nephew was upset, and more words were exchanged back and forth.

I started to play the scenario of what I would do if my child was old enough and could understand.
1) dismiss it
2) tell the child to ask the person who said it why they said it
3) me or my husband address the person
4) come up with something to say to our child

I'm coming from the angle of now you have said something where my child may think "did that happen to me and my parents just "gave" me up." "did they give up on me."  

You Are Going.....

You yes I'm talking to you. You have you will continue to have moments where you are going to want to give up..... DON'T........

When In Doubt Click

1021 as of June 2013

That is how many children were legally free in New Jersey as of June 2013.

Keeping the Faith

I'm trying...................

Every time we encounter a road block or issue in this journey this song comes to mind....

You would never guess...... Ricky Martin but of course!

It's setting in.....

So in case you don't know the inspection didn't go great. Window in the child's room doesn't meet their requirements. We have two options and after much discussion and tossing around ideas we are fixing the windows. I called the inspector today to clarify how big the windows have to be. Could you imagine if after all that we got windows installed that didn't meet the minimum requirements? I think yesterday I was processing everything and today it's settling in. This stops us from being approved for the age range or sibling group. Before the holidays the last thing you need is to shell out added expenses which always finds it's way to us around this time. We were planning on fixing the other bedroom and the window in the living room so it will be sooner. Still though it's about 4 weeks away or so for that to happen. It should take one day weather permitting. Until we meet their window requirements we are "waiting." What have we been doing for the past year? Waiting...... So what is 4 to 6 weeks more or so. Just because you get approved doesn't mean you get placements immediately. At every turn of this process we have encountered a road block. I wish this was different, or I could rewind and we could have had this fixed before the inspection. It's a lot of woulda shoulda coulda.

I'm disappointed so much for the most wonderful time of the year. :(

Pregnancy Announcement

Ever sit near those people at a restaurant with people that are loud and very animated when they speak? Yeah she was like that with her group of people. I was out with some family enjoying dinner when Ms. Animated came in. I could tell something was on her mind. All of the sudden I hear a gasp and I see its a sonogram picture. She has just announced to her table she is 3 months pregnant. Tears hugs and excitement fill the air. To the left of us is two couples one is pregnant with a toddler the other has a toddler. To the right of us are 3 women and a baby. A little ways over a 8 week old with her parents and family. I sit and sigh. When will it be my turn to have news? I had a moment where I thought about taking the state of New Jersey and putting it on sonogram picture. Then I said to myself "hold on to hope your day will come hold on to hope soon soon soon..." It sucks to say the very least. Something that comes so easy to others is so hard for me. When is it going to be my turn?

I know I know this amazing wonder or wonders are going to come into my life, and I will say "ohh there you are..." Everything will make sense all the puzzle pieces will fit but until then. This emptiness or empty nest sucks!

Let It Be

Sometimes when my ipod is on random, listening to the radio, someone else's music, or TV I hear a song that may be old, but has a new meaning. I heard this song last night doing the dishes. I had that whoa moment. Stressed worried about something anything that is so far out of your control. At some point you have to Let It Be...... 
The following video doesn't seem to work it seems to be on mute so here is the youtube link. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26bZZwPs5zM

Hurry Up and Wait

We are waiting.... (hi isn't this what you have been doing for so many years....) 
Yes but we are waiting for the Office of Licensing to come out and inspect our house. One of the workers from that office said "failure is not an option.." I could look around my house as what may or may not fail. I would be guessing, and I may be wrong. I may adjust something and actually create a problem. So I get to obsess about all the ways this could happen. The mind can wander off in so many different directions.  

I'm emotionally exhausted and holding on to hope. It's all I can do. I don't know what's going to happen, and I would like to believe everything will work out but when I do something along this way goes wrong. I just don't want to be the couple who is approved and never get's matched never gets a placement and so on. That may happen. You may say don't think like that, but it's an option and no one can say for sure. So as much as I may want to dance and be happy because we have come so far we have so far to go. If we are blessed to get at least one child our journey begins in a different way. 

Meant To Be Child

So it's Sunday night, and even though I only have one day of work I still need sleep. Or the illusion that I will get some kind of snooze time. 

So on top of one of the woman in my group saying "don't say if say when." "When you adopt." Another woman said "You all are waiting for your meant to be child." That is cute. 

I had a further thought like years from now when this time will be a foggy dream, and I will look back and go "i can't even remember life without you..." moments. My children will say something like "why do you not give up." Or having negative tantrums. I will say "If I gave up I wouldn't have you.."  

Stop For Me

I always thought this train would stop for me......