The Call About You

On Thursday April 30th, 2014 I pulled out two magazines from Good Housekeeping the November and December issues that I had kept meaning to read get the recipes from. I thought that day was just going to be a boring lunch I had thrown a bunch of stuff together to eat.  When I went to my desk to grab something I heard my coworker say on the phone "no she's at lunch." When she hung up she said to me you better check your phone sounds personal. I go to get my cell phone and see 897 knowing that is the state. So when I answer and hear our caseworker. "I've got a possible placement. She's a few months." When she was finished informing me I remember saying "ok" she laughed "call your husband and then call me back." I said "no I wasn't saying okay as in okay yes I was saying okay as in I was taking it all in." No matter how many times you are called it's always that rush that feeling like this maybe it this is what you have prepared for what you have been hoping to happen possible situations that will complete your forever family. No telling no fast forwarding no knowing for sure that this will work out. I try to remember what we were told in class I try to remember advice given and I try to be realistic. We got a call once before we said yes but the situation changed. That happens. It prepares you and makes you think about what you should have on hand or what resources you can call upon. What you may need to improve on. I call the hubby and I get voice-mail where is he? where could he be? this is important. I continue to call until finally we connect. "i got a call of a possible situation..." then I fill him in and at the end ask "what do you think?" We agree Yes. I call the caseworker back and she says she will call with more information later.

Wanted

Okay so this hour maybe isn't the best time to start but I had to bring this song to attention. Wanted

This isn't a song you would think would think about adoption or a child. I know it's meant to be more of a relationship song. I hear it and the words get me. 

You know I'd fall apart without you
I don't know how you do what you do
'Cause everything that don't make sense about me
Makes sense when I'm with you

Like everything that's green, girl, I need you
But it's more than one and one makes two
Put aside the math and the logic of it
You gotta know you're wanted too

'Cause I wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
And never let you forget it
Yeah, I, I wanna make you feel wanted

Anyone can tell you you're pretty, yeah
And you get that all the time, I know you do
But your beauty's deeper than the make-up
And I wanna show you what I see tonight...

When I wrap you up
When I kiss your lips.
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
And never let you forget it
'Cause, baby, I, I wanna make you feel wanted

As good as you make me feel
I wanna make you feel better
Better than your fairy tales
Better than your best dreams
You're more than everything I need
You're all I ever wanted
All I ever wanted

And I just wanna wrap you up
Wanna kiss your lips
I wanna make you feel wanted
And I wanna call you mine
Wanna hold your hand forever
And never let you forget it
Yeah, I wanna make you feel wanted
Baby, I wanna make you feel wanted

You'll always be wanted

All I ever wanted - To the future child who is reading this. You will have moments on this earth where you may doubt if you were wanted or wished for. You have to know you were more than you will ever know. We have moved heaven and earth to get to you and will continue to do that for you. For some reason even tonight now isn't the time for us to be together. Some plan is in motion and sometime hopefully soon we will be together. Maybe even tonight you may be wondering about us as we are wondering about you. We are here just waiting for our missing piece. 

Only Human

So today the call that would never come came a baby more details to follow. But the happy shock was short lived with another call and the baby is being cared for by a relative. *sigh* Like someone pops your happiness balloon. I hope like all the other calls that the baby is safe and doing well. I am emotionally exhausted.

I don't know if you were the one and in some time we will get the call again about you. I don't know if you aren't meant to be. Instead, this was to fall apart because it wasn't right. I have not a clue how or where we go from here. Situations are going to come up more calls in.

Years before we put in an offer on a condo a place I thought was our home. Something after the offer was put in didn't set right. Everyone told me about a deal they had fell through. I pushed it aside but as it turns out the condo fell through. I was feeling defeated frustrated and didn't want to continue. We did and when we scheduled two homes I tried to be positive. We went to the first house we struck out it wasn't what we thought. Then we showed up to the gray house with red shudders. Which we now call home. Not a day goes by that I don't love this house.  A house isn't a child.

I wish I knew. I wish I could say for certain, but I don't know. Part of me wants to give up but that I'm sure is part of the grieving process for the loss of this placement. Nothing is ever for sure or guaranteed. We may have had that baby or days weeks or years and then have to surrender when a family member showed up. What has to be done has to be done in the best interest of the child/children. One day that best interest will be to be placed with us.

So this song comes to mind because it's perfect. Only Human.
Years from now this will be a memory. I hope that this memory will be replaced with happiness of reading it with our meant to be child/children. That dream of a sibling group of 5. I would totally take that now.

 

Life

This wasn't the way any of this was supposed to go, but welcome to life. We make plans and think life will go one way and then it goes somewhere else.

Two things that were supposed to take forever years possibly both having to do with work. Are BOTH happening now in a matter of weeks and sadly neither has anything to do with adoption. Everyone said "oh you will have a placement or more by the time either of these happen...." Yeah no......

One day adoption will take flight it's just not today. It's not our time I suppose. When is our time huh?

I so need the meeting this week. My hope take is running on empty.

Home

I also heard this song from Walmart to home.

Here is the other song I was talking about 

Rainbow

Time to get ready for some much needed zzzzz's. Before that happens let me tell me you about my drive home. I decided to hit up Walmart because I had to get a few things, and I could get them all there. So I took away I never take home. As I'm heading there I hear the song "I won't give up" by Jason Mraz. I think "yeah just last night I was having an awful time and almost tears this song is perfect because we aren't giving up..." So as that song is playing I stop at a red light look up there it is a beautiful rainbow. If nothing else it was gorgeous to look at and i'm just sorry that I couldn't get a picture. I at least have the picture in my mind.

Snow is on the ground it's cold and icy conditions but what a beautiful Rainbow my dears.

Waiting..........

The wait which is often referred to a lot in the adoption process sucks. Some days I handle it well with my emotions in check. Some days I want to cry and some days I'm just angry negative at anything. I think it's normal to have that happen. I get asked a lot of questions, and I think some have stopped asking because they maybe have given up or are tired of getting the same response. "No." "Nothing." "No change."

As I've said now that I would say a million times I wish that I had even a time line. That isn't how this works. I train the people at work to help my department in the event I go out on leave. I use to be positive about that outcome but now I'm just "yeah if that happens who knows it may it may not..."

I don't mean this isn't ever going to happen. It's more of could happen weeks months or years or it could happen in days. I doubt highly doubt the days more like months to years.

Oh wait how I dislike it.