So many things to blog about and so little time

I left work went food/vitamin shopping and got home. Followed by watching the ladies short program. That was a few hours but so great. Only happens once every 4 years. Loving it! Gives me something to look forward to considering right now is a weird time.

For at least the 3rd time I have inquired about the same boy as I have in the past. This time I was given contact information that isn't accurate. I get a different answer depending upon who I talk to. Let me say first off that some great people are doing awesome things and working magic with what little they have to do it with. Sometimes you will encounter people who you know are doing this all for the children. Sometimes you will encounter people who just leave you puzzled as to why they are doing this at all. I get that everyone is over worked and that this is a process. I'm the process at work queen or trying to tell everyone it just doesn't happen over night. This time last year we were in class, and matching events were already planned. I keep getting the run around from different people who exactly I get that info from. This person you contact them they say that person. It's a circle that leaves you frustrated.

I left working thinking I know at some point this will all make sense. One day I will leave work to get my child(children) from daycare or after care or where ever and encounter all that fun. I know that is in my future. I just really wish I knew it was the near or distant.

Most days I wake up and go through the day positive and hopeful. Some days I start thinking this will just never happen. When I hit the road block with those that I feel shouldn't be in the field they are in I am more frustrated and my hope tank drains. I know it's time to go to sleep re charge and push forward. Nothing comes easy and because a conversation doesn't go the way you planned or hoped doesn't mean all those conversations will go that way. We all have bad days and don't mean to take it out on people but sometimes we end up doing just that.

Welcome to rambled non sense talk with so much in my head that I start thinking at this hour when I really should be sleeping.

Okay time to head to bed and get ready for the day ahead.

Say something I'm giving up on you

This doesn't exactly have to directly do with adoption, but it does have to do with a life lesson in a way. In September when a co-worker unexpectedly passed away the counselor said that if we wanted to write a goodbye letter that was only between here and I would be a good idea. I remember at the funeral in the church with all that was witnessed tears flowing at that moment suddenly all the silly little things of you didn't do this or that person didn't do that didn't matter.  In the next few months a person well a friend who used to be a really best friend will be getting married. It's great, and the guy is a sweetheart, and they will i'm sure be very happy together. I doubt that I will be in attendance. I know what you are thinking. Wait i'm confused that goes against what you just said. I know but let me explain.

This friend I have known since Kindergarten and we weren't always close that happens. It's life. Tonight here I am declaring that I'm letting go of all those negative anger upset disappointment feelings and expectations that I had for you and our friendship. You are officially free I promise. I will no longer expect anything from you and understand that I don't think at this time there is a place for me in your life. Let's go back for a bit to when I got married. I asked you to be my maid of honor and well I think I put to much expectations on you then. Think back do you remember all the times I asked for your help and asked you to be there for me and you couldn't didn't have the time. Please don't think this is to bash you or make you feel guilty it's not that. Did you ever end up planning a shower at anytime or did you make it to my Surprise 30th/Shower that was planned for me years later? No. You said you were working but forgot that when you logged into facebook that night it said you were home and not at work. The time after the wedding I tried to  keep our friendship going but always felt a pull from you. One night you rushed out of my apartment because you said you were tired. You ended up at Applebee's with friends. I wouldn't have cared but why the lie? When I tried to keep our friendship going I felt that constant resistance and that feeling that I no longer was a friend. At one time we talked everyday some days about important things and some days about nothing. I didn't think that would ever change, and I always thought when we hit these milestones we would still be close. I watched as you were in other Weddings and baby showers and did so much for those people that I often wondered what I did that I couldn't get the same treatment. Leading me to just stop trying. At one time I blocked your posts from my wall because I was so tired of seeing it rubbed in my face. You always said that our friendship was worth fighting for yet I have never seen much of a fight from your side. When was the last time you asked me for lunch movie hang out etc..... Friendship doesn't work one sided. So I stopped calling asking for lunch dates. It doesn't mean that I stopped caring. Do you know anything of my struggle with infertility and starting a family? Do you know of the surgeries, doctors, specialists, insurance fights, money, time, heart break, tears, and so on? I don't think anyone knows it all, but you get what I mean. The many years of struggles watching others having their first, second, and sometimes even third child. Something that a woman is born to do and yet no matter what we tried it wasn't happening.  I hope you don't have to experience an ounce of that when you want to start your family. I know I am jumping around a bit.

I remember getting your invite to your grad party that is when things were weird yet I still went. Fast forward a bit to when you got engaged. Do you remember when I got engaged? I told you in person. So I expected something anything more then a post on facebook. I realize that I should stop expecting. When all of these events build up out pours hurt sometimes words we don't always mean, but are so hurt upset and frustrated it spits out. At one point I wanted to tell you to not even bother sending me an invite to the wedding. I realize that after all these years and after everything I'm hurt. It's taught me that I need to address things as they happen because storing them up does no good. I knew your shower invite was coming I knew that I was not included in any aspect of your wedding planning period end of story. So when I got the invite I shouldn't have had any emotion right? Wrong I was very upset the flood of hurt anger and everything just over flowed. Pieces of me have thought about reaching out to you, but I wouldn't now knowing that wedding planning and prepping is a very stressful time. I wouldn't say that about not inviting me because I know I don't mean it. I would hope that you could place yourself in my shoes and understand where I'm coming from.

When I asked you to be a reference in our adoption forms part of me was hoping that would involve you and maybe open the door. That didn't happen. Again another form of assuming expecting. You never seemed interested and never asked about anything. I would love for you to be a part of my future and future family. But that's just hoping and wishing.

This whole thing is a mish mosh mash of things events feelings emotions expectations things that in order to focus on the future one needs to let go of the past. That won't happen over night, but any expectations about you or our friendship i'm letting go of.

You may never see this or fully understand my decision to not be apart of your day. Maybe the future holds a new chance for us with new opportunities and maybe we are just to leave our friendship in the past.

Again I hope that if you are seeing this you don't think that i'm trying to take a dig at you or make you feel guilty i'm just expressing my feelings so I can let it be for once and for all.