Say something I'm giving up on you

This doesn't exactly have to directly do with adoption, but it does have to do with a life lesson in a way. In September when a co-worker unexpectedly passed away the counselor said that if we wanted to write a goodbye letter that was only between here and I would be a good idea. I remember at the funeral in the church with all that was witnessed tears flowing at that moment suddenly all the silly little things of you didn't do this or that person didn't do that didn't matter.  In the next few months a person well a friend who used to be a really best friend will be getting married. It's great, and the guy is a sweetheart, and they will i'm sure be very happy together. I doubt that I will be in attendance. I know what you are thinking. Wait i'm confused that goes against what you just said. I know but let me explain.

This friend I have known since Kindergarten and we weren't always close that happens. It's life. Tonight here I am declaring that I'm letting go of all those negative anger upset disappointment feelings and expectations that I had for you and our friendship. You are officially free I promise. I will no longer expect anything from you and understand that I don't think at this time there is a place for me in your life. Let's go back for a bit to when I got married. I asked you to be my maid of honor and well I think I put to much expectations on you then. Think back do you remember all the times I asked for your help and asked you to be there for me and you couldn't didn't have the time. Please don't think this is to bash you or make you feel guilty it's not that. Did you ever end up planning a shower at anytime or did you make it to my Surprise 30th/Shower that was planned for me years later? No. You said you were working but forgot that when you logged into facebook that night it said you were home and not at work. The time after the wedding I tried to  keep our friendship going but always felt a pull from you. One night you rushed out of my apartment because you said you were tired. You ended up at Applebee's with friends. I wouldn't have cared but why the lie? When I tried to keep our friendship going I felt that constant resistance and that feeling that I no longer was a friend. At one time we talked everyday some days about important things and some days about nothing. I didn't think that would ever change, and I always thought when we hit these milestones we would still be close. I watched as you were in other Weddings and baby showers and did so much for those people that I often wondered what I did that I couldn't get the same treatment. Leading me to just stop trying. At one time I blocked your posts from my wall because I was so tired of seeing it rubbed in my face. You always said that our friendship was worth fighting for yet I have never seen much of a fight from your side. When was the last time you asked me for lunch movie hang out etc..... Friendship doesn't work one sided. So I stopped calling asking for lunch dates. It doesn't mean that I stopped caring. Do you know anything of my struggle with infertility and starting a family? Do you know of the surgeries, doctors, specialists, insurance fights, money, time, heart break, tears, and so on? I don't think anyone knows it all, but you get what I mean. The many years of struggles watching others having their first, second, and sometimes even third child. Something that a woman is born to do and yet no matter what we tried it wasn't happening.  I hope you don't have to experience an ounce of that when you want to start your family. I know I am jumping around a bit.

I remember getting your invite to your grad party that is when things were weird yet I still went. Fast forward a bit to when you got engaged. Do you remember when I got engaged? I told you in person. So I expected something anything more then a post on facebook. I realize that I should stop expecting. When all of these events build up out pours hurt sometimes words we don't always mean, but are so hurt upset and frustrated it spits out. At one point I wanted to tell you to not even bother sending me an invite to the wedding. I realize that after all these years and after everything I'm hurt. It's taught me that I need to address things as they happen because storing them up does no good. I knew your shower invite was coming I knew that I was not included in any aspect of your wedding planning period end of story. So when I got the invite I shouldn't have had any emotion right? Wrong I was very upset the flood of hurt anger and everything just over flowed. Pieces of me have thought about reaching out to you, but I wouldn't now knowing that wedding planning and prepping is a very stressful time. I wouldn't say that about not inviting me because I know I don't mean it. I would hope that you could place yourself in my shoes and understand where I'm coming from.

When I asked you to be a reference in our adoption forms part of me was hoping that would involve you and maybe open the door. That didn't happen. Again another form of assuming expecting. You never seemed interested and never asked about anything. I would love for you to be a part of my future and future family. But that's just hoping and wishing.

This whole thing is a mish mosh mash of things events feelings emotions expectations things that in order to focus on the future one needs to let go of the past. That won't happen over night, but any expectations about you or our friendship i'm letting go of.

You may never see this or fully understand my decision to not be apart of your day. Maybe the future holds a new chance for us with new opportunities and maybe we are just to leave our friendship in the past.

Again I hope that if you are seeing this you don't think that i'm trying to take a dig at you or make you feel guilty i'm just expressing my feelings so I can let it be for once and for all.

Chances & What if - Five For Fighting

Both of these songs are so good. Might think they are similar maybe they are. The second song for "what if." What if I were you....what if I cried with your eyes...what if. Empathy and switching places.

I had to hear broken road by rascal flatt tonight twice. I don't know why tonight but just needed to hear it.

It's super cold this week here makes you slightly miss the heat. I said slightly. My car was having issues going, and it's right now at the place for an oil change. Oh my exciting life.Yes the bitter cold  sucks. I will say that I am happy that it's not so dark when I get out of work. It maybe 30 minutes of daylight but it's 30 more minutes than I had a month ago. It's the little things.

Chubby Checker - Changes

So I have the lap top on a radio station i'm doing odds and ends cleaning of certain areas. Those areas where you look at them and say if I have a moment that is getting cleaned. Yeah those areas. I hear this song and the lyrics I had to find out who sang it. Love the lyrics. I run over and discover it's Chubby Checker and the song is Changes. "They'll be some changes in my life..."

Goodbye 2013

Yeah it's over, and here's hoping that 2014 is the year. What do you mean "the" year? That we get matched or placed with our forever child or children. Just in case I have located 2 facilities that are approved and work with the state. One is closer to my mother and I have always liked this place. So I am going to go with that one unless they are booked. Of course if the child is school age it's a matter of calling and arranging with the school system. Let's not get to much into that.

What I remember about 2013?
I still believe if our first caseworker had addressed everything sooner our application would not have had to have been put on hold, and a process that should have taken 3 to 6 months wouldn't have ended up taking us a year. I am thankful for caseworker number 2 and believe in some way it was a better fit. I don't believe caseworker number 1 set out to give us a hard time, but I got the feeling she just had so much on her plate. Like I told someone else I believe caseworker number 2 is a better fit and will fight for us and on our behalf.
I had to serve jury duty that was well interesting. It was one day but when you get that notice and go into that room it's intimidating.
I met up with a support group about adoption and other groups through social media.

I didn't think we would ever get out of the home study phase. I realize every piece of this journey comes with it's own challenges and struggles. Good times are there just not the same to everyone. Sometimes you want to give up you want to say this is it I'm done. You will be pushed farther then you ever thought you would go. You will discover people who will understand your journey and others who don't care to know a piece of it.  I know this process will test me, and i'm sure when we get a placement we will be tested by the child. I have been reading up, but I can't come up with every scenario.

I know that people will say things that will be hurtful, but won't understand what they are saying. I pray that the person who says "real mother" I will breathe in and out and respond "do you mean birth mother? or what is a real mother do explain and then let me know what I am. Am I not real?" Yeah that can go all kinds of ways. I correct people even now. Some language is a matter of what you prefer, but real mother or real father gets to me. I know that unintentional someone may be so upset or angry that they blurt out "you aren't real family or you aren't blood." I place that brave face on to my child and talk it out. While in the back of my mind I will be devising a plan of what time to call that parent what I'm going to say refraining from talking to that child by myself because that won't solve anything. It's not exactly the same but did you ever see someone years from now and they say "remember that time i did (fill in the blank)" I'm so sorry, or you bring up to them, and they either don't remember or it hits them and they get it. Kids say and do things that can be very cruel without realizing the lasting effect it will have on someone. When they get to be older they will hopefully get it because they are better programmed. Then again this may never happen, or it may happen in school. Ahh yes school.

2013 had it's struggles tears fears frustration anger denial walls and now we come to a new year.

We don't know what this year will bring that's exciting and scary. I leave 2013 behind in the vault. I remember what I learn and take that with me to apply now but let's move forward not backwards.

To those that we didn't see eye to eye with it's a new year.
To those that we were pissed or angry with me in 2013 it's a new year.
To those I wasn't that close with in 2013 it's a new year.
To those that I adore cherish and so on it's a new year.
To my meant to be child/children it's a new year won't you come find us already? You maybe sitting around wondering does anyone love me or need me. We do we do!!!!!!

Celine Dion Quote

On not giving up: "I'm going to try until it works.

Jimmy Fallon Quote On Infertility

On staying hopeful: "I know people have tried much longer, but if there's anybody out there that's trying and losing hope, just hang in there. Try every avenue, try anything you can do because you'll get there — you'll end up with a family and it's so worth it. It is the most worth-it thing."

We have been approved!!!!!!!!!!

I don't expect "the call" for a long while. Yesterday I asked for a sign that this was going to work out. Well I got a phone call today. Panic set in because it is our caseworker. I'm thinking "oh goodness what is wrong now..." It wasn't bad new it was good news. We have officially been approved by the state. Our caseworker called today we could be called any day she says. Until we get the windows fixed (which should be in the next two weeks) we are approved for one child infant-2years old. When the window is fixed we will be approved for 3. Which opens the door to a sibling group. Let the ride of uncertainty begin.

I'm sure getting the call that you have been matched, approached about fostering, a certain situation that could lead to your forever family is awesome. I really hope that day comes. :)